What’s in your toolbox?

I was having a conversation with my kiddo, about my aversion to his tech-time. My pitch was that, while I can see it is a way he can chill-out, relax, build skills, socialize and self-soothe, there is some research that has come out about highly addicted teens, who turned to their games/screens/devices when something in their lives got off-kilter, and it became incredibly problematic. I suggested that maybe that’s what happens if we only develop one tool in response to feeling tired or stressed. During the pandemic, I realized that my toolbox was sadly empty, and I pretty much just relied on wine. I said, I don’t think wine is bad, I like the feeling it gives me when I get a little happy, but it’s not actually super healthy for the body, and it’s incredibly not helpful if it’s the only thing you turn to when you feel stressed and life is getting extra stressful. I shared that when I realized that it was my go-to, I decided to back off and try and build some other tools… and that, as a parent, I want to try and help him build the best tool-box I can, so he’s well-resourced in his future, whatever he might be facing. At this point, he got bored of my preaching and wouldn’t play my “let’s think of all the things we can put in the toolbox for ourselves” game… but I have been mulling it over.

I was pumped to share journalling practices for self-care through the library this year, because it did become one of my go-to supports (to keep me away from the bottle of numbing-juice, or the distraction-swipe-screen)…. and someone expressed a sentiment along the lines of, “I used to journal but I fell away from it, and so I think it’s no longer available to me.” My partner has a room full of tools that he can use in every imaginable situation, but just because one of those tools hasn’t been deployed for a while, doesn’t mean he gets rid of it. It’s good to have a deep repertoire, just as its good to have a small handful of committed practices. Sometimes, one practice stops serving, and then we can rustle around in the psychic garage for something else. Ideally, the tools we resource ourselves with are not harmful, in small or large amounts.

A recent moment of family stress (it’s school holidays, if you’re a parent, I’m sure you need no more information to nod in solidarity), nervous systems were getting dysregulated, and it was clear we all needed to reach into our toolboxes and find whatever it was that helped us get back into regulation… and despite all my fine talk and philosophizing, when the stress is acute, and tempers are flying, I am fumbling. So, I googled my way to this page, and thought it was a handy approach. What if we all started our own little lists, in response to an ongoing inquiry: “what helps me to come back into my body, and my breath, and my calm, when my nervous system has gotten hyped up?”

I loved being able to skim the list, and see how many had been collated – I could see obvious ones that would work for me, obvious ones that work and don’t work for my partner, possible ones to share with the kiddo… I wanted to create my own list, broken into a kind of triage – ie urgent response (shower, 4 deep breaths and my hand on my heart, drinking a big glass of water, making a tea, splashing water on my face, rubbing my legs to make contact with my hands on my body, noticing 5 things i can see in a quick environmental scan, angry journal-venting so i don’t say out loud the unconstructive things i’m thinking; to sustain overall nervous system health (forest walks, good sleep hygiene, a candle lighting ritual, meditation class, journalling, jigsaw puzzling and collaging, working out/running/swimming, laughing with friends); and to dig deeper into the roots of trauma and disfunction (yoga practice, sharing circles, plant medicine, learning about trauma.)

What have you got? Have you got a list? An entire box of tools? One go-to?

Recently, I saw a post that Terry Tempest Williams have given a convocation speech and the two most important “tools” in her box, through her life, that she wanted to share with young graduates, were two questions: “how can I be of help?” and “could you please help me.” Even a question (and the reminder to ask it) is a good thing to have in your toolbox.

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Published by Lisa Richardson

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